If jokes

If a school shooter walks into a classroom and shoots an autistic kid, what does the kid say? "Why do I look like Swiss cheese?"

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

If I'm racist to everybody, am I even racist?

If 2 + 2 is 4, and 4 + 4 is 8, then that must mean I can lick your pussy.

What is the difference between a lesbian and a female prostitute?

If you want a female prostitute to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

I would kiss your lips, but your legs are blocking the way.

If you know, you know. 😏😏

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.

The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."

The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."

The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

If you give someone a plane ticket, they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.

If abortion is murder, is jerking off genocide?

Flat earthers are completely wrong. If the earth was flat, I would have yeeted myself off the edge years ago!

Why did Helen Keller's cat run away? I would run away if my name was jufhvfhvurhkso.

Joker gives Batman a phone.

Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."

Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

If an orphan takes a selfie, isn't it basically a family portrait?

Teacher: "I'll call your mother."

Orphan: "Go on, see if she picks up."

If you were driving when all of a sudden a young kid and an old man run right in front of you, what do you hit?

The brakes, you sick bastard.

If a dog made a computer, it would have a mega bite.

Who needs April 1st if your whole life is already a lie?