If jokes

Teacher: "If you don't understand, ask your parents at home."

Orphan: "I don't have neither of those :c"

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

If Canadians speak "English Eh?", do Americans speak "English B?"

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”

If Donald Trump is running against Bill Clinton, it's safe to say that we are witnessing the Lolita Express Erections...oops, I mean Elections.

If gay means happy, then I am now straight.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

If an Indian kid is conceived in incest, would that make them OMbred?

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

If you give a dwarf 5-Hour Energy, will it become 10-hour Energy?

I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?

Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!

A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.

The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."

The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."

The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.

Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?

Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.

If you pour paint in your eyes, the paint loses the 't'.

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

What is the difference between a lesbian and a female prostitute?

If you want a female prostitute to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.