If jokes

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

If you want to SH but not in the sell farm way, come ooon.. do you even know what does that means?..

If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.

If you don’t like mowing your lawn, just get emo grass! It cuts itself!

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"If we don’t get some support people will think we are ball sacks..."

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.

Why is a gun like a box of chocolates?

If you pull one out in class, everyone wants to be your friend.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.

I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."

If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

If her age is on the clock, she gets the cock.

What do you call a white kid at the back of the class?

School shooter.

If I'm ugly, at least I'm not you.

Tibia honest, it takes a lot of spine to memorize all the bones in the skeletal system. I mean, there's a skele-ton of em! You gotta be boned up for the skeletal system exam, buddy chum pal. Now that was a humerus ribtickling skelepun. Besides, if ya don't know all of the bones in the skeletal system, get boned, fucking numbskull. Did those tickle your funny bone? Now I've been working down to the bone typing these puns, kid. Now if you hate all these, I won't be bothered, I got thick skin! But first, lemme take a skelfie in the skelevator playing my trom-bone. Now, I gotta go to Grillby's. They got a discount on spare-ribs. Bone-voyage, my homeslice breadslice dawg.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

I give a fuck if my computer crashes.

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.

The boy asks, "What gave me away?"

The man responds, "Your parents."

If a deaf person is at court, then is it still called a hearing?