If jokes

If a dog made a computer, it would have a mega bite.

If you give someone a plane ticket, they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.

If abortion is murder, is jerking off genocide?

If an orphan takes a selfie, isn't it basically a family portrait?

Why did Helen Keller's cat run away? I would run away if my name was jufhvfhvurhkso.

Joker gives Batman a phone.

Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."

Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them if you keep reloading.

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

Big hands.

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

Why do shepherds never learn to count?

Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

Feminists think men hate them. MEN HATE FEMINIST KARENS. We already have equal rights. It wasn't always like that, but that was in the past. So, fuck feminists.

(Like if you hate feminists.)

If you don’t like mowing your lawn, just get emo grass! It cuts itself!

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"If we don’t get some support people will think we are ball sacks..."

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.

If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?