If jokes

If an orphan takes a selfie, isn't it basically a family portrait?

I was sitting in math class, and our teacher doesn't like it if we don't work on math in his class. So, I did science homework on top of a math book.

Teacher: "I'll call your mother."

Orphan: "Go on, see if she picks up."

Why did Helen Keller's cat run away? I would run away if my name was jufhvfhvurhkso.

Joker gives Batman a phone.

Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."

Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them if you keep reloading.

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

Big hands.

Why do shepherds never learn to count?

Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.

If you give someone a plane ticket, they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?

Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.

What happens if an Asian with an erection walks into a wall?

He breaks his nose.

A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.

Feminists think men hate them. MEN HATE FEMINIST KARENS. We already have equal rights. It wasn't always like that, but that was in the past. So, fuck feminists.

(Like if you hate feminists.)

If you don’t like mowing your lawn, just get emo grass! It cuts itself!

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"If we don’t get some support people will think we are ball sacks..."

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.