If jokes

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."

Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.

If a woman gets raped, just walk away, don't bother. Cheer on the rapist if you want.

They believe they are equal to men, right? So they are able to fight back, right? Then prove it! My EQUALITY!

If Canadians speak "English Eh?", do Americans speak "English B?"

If gay means happy, then I am now straight.

I love necrophilia, but only if it's consensual!

What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.

If you ever get mad, just hit an orphan.

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

If a school shooter walks into a classroom and shoots an autistic kid, what does the kid say? "Why do I look like Swiss cheese?"

I would kiss your lips, but your legs are blocking the way.

If you know, you know. 😏😏

If you give someone a plane ticket, they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.

If abortion is murder, is jerking off genocide?

If an orphan takes a selfie, isn't it basically a family portrait?

Who needs April 1st if your whole life is already a lie?

If a dog made a computer, it would have a mega bite.