If jokes

A duck walks into a bar. The duck says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "No." Then the duck says, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "NO!" The duck says, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "No, and if you say that one more time I will nail your bill to this bar!" The duck says, "Hey bartender, got any nails?" The bartender says, "No." The duck says, "Well then, bartender, got any bread?"

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.

This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run too if your name was dgergbbfdnbj.

If an orphan tells you there's 365 days in a year, tell them for you it's only 363 days because you skip Father's Day and Mother's Day.

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to your ego, and then jump down to your IQ.

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

If I were a history teacher, I’d make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."

I hate likebeggars. They are just writing some stupid "like if" shit just to get attention. I mean, that's so lazy, so unoriginal, and stupid.

Anyways, can this get 100 likes, please?

If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it'll die.

If the formula of water is H2O, then what is the formula of ice?

H2O cubed.

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.