If jokes

If I die, delete my search history.

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

The teacher is asking you a question.

Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"

Me: "Dead."

A duck walks into a bar. The duck says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "No." Then the duck says, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "NO!" The duck says, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "No, and if you say that one more time I will nail your bill to this bar!" The duck says, "Hey bartender, got any nails?" The bartender says, "No." The duck says, "Well then, bartender, got any bread?"

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.

This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.

like this if you have ever been abused.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run too if your name was dgergbbfdnbj.

If an orphan tells you there's 365 days in a year, tell them for you it's only 363 days because you skip Father's Day and Mother's Day.

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."

A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.

You need to be a complete dick.

If I were a history teacher, I’d make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to your ego, and then jump down to your IQ.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.