If jokes

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?

You’re dead if the rubber breaks.

Apparently, as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Imagine working at the World Trade Center, only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place.

I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.

If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?

What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?

If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

It's not rape if you're both crying.

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.

I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.

If I die, delete my search history.

The teacher is asking you a question.

Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"

Me: "Dead."

If you're gonna razor yourself, you might as well have shaving cream.

A duck walks into a bar. The duck says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "No." Then the duck says, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "NO!" The duck says, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "No, and if you say that one more time I will nail your bill to this bar!" The duck says, "Hey bartender, got any nails?" The bartender says, "No." The duck says, "Well then, bartender, got any bread?"

like this if you have ever been abused.

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.