If jokes

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.

It's not rape if you're both crying.

If rape was about power, then my electric bill would be a positive balance.

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

Apparently, as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Imagine working at the World Trade Center, only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place.

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?

You’re dead if the rubber breaks.

If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?

What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?

If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.

I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.

If I die, delete my search history.

like this if you have ever been abused.

The teacher is asking you a question.

Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"

Me: "Dead."

If you're gonna razor yourself, you might as well have shaving cream.