If jokes

Police: Where do you live? Blonde: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Blonde: With me. Police: Where do you all live? Blonde: Together. Police: Where is your house? Blonde: Next to my neighbor's house. Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Blonde: If I tell you, you won't believe me. Police: Tell me. Blonde: Next to my house.

If there was someone selling drugs around here, we'd know.

You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.

If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.

Why is it best to date suicidal women? Because if there's no pulse, there's no need for consent.

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.

And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?

A: It's cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're pretty much screwed.

If you're ever bored, try scaring the sh*t out of an Asian to see their eyes open for the first time.

If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?

The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.

Like this if you are in elementary, middle school, or high school.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

If Uranus is so gross, why do they take HD photos of it?

If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?

It's not rape if you're both crying.

I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However, the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.