Humor
A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,
"It's an elevator, not a lift!"
and
"It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"
He keeps going on until the Englishman says,
"Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."
People who make puns always get pun-ched by people.
Why do emos cut themselves?
To play noughts and crosses.
Why did the man die of the actor's performance?
The performance was unbeLIVEable!
Wanna hear a pizza joke?
Ah, never mind, it's too cheesy.
Memes
I asked a man for ten dollars for a cup of coffee. The man said coffee was only a quarter. I told him I was putting all my begs in one ask-it.
What do you call a PEIS?
"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.
What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."
I like my wine like my women:
16 and in my basement.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
No one.
No one who?
No one who?
So, me and my girlfriend that I just got 7 weeks ago, we’re in class. We had this sub named Mrs. Bellatrix.
We both raised our hands and she called on both of us.
Me: First of all, are we in kindergarten? We can’t be doing 4x4 kinda stuff.
Leah: And also, are you from Harry Potter?
Brrr, it's fucking cold outside, aye? What do you guys want for Christmas? A sweet video game? Maybe a cool action figure? Oh, how about the latest phone!
Who me? Oh, I guess... I wish snow could melt as fast as the snowflakes that downvote good jokes! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
I was in class doing sex education. We were learning about sexual stereotypes.
My teacher turns to the class and asks, "If anyone could tell him what a sexual stereotype was?"
So I raised my hand and said, "Asians have small penis." He looked at me and said, "Very good, but I was looking for a definition."
Haha, you just saw sex!
When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.
It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.
What do you call a AK-47 that lost 1 point?
An AK-46.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
So I laughed at their chalk outline.
Me: Knock knock.
My sister: Who's there?
Me: I eat mop.
My sister: I eat mop who?
My mind: I eat my poo.
My sister getting it.