Humor

A girl named Ranch went to the store and stayed there. Why? Because she was ranched!

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far, no one has given me a straight answer.

"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.

What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

What do you call a prostitute in a wheelchair?

Hot wheels.

What do you call a disabled kid's sweat?

VEGETABLE OIL!

The best way to tell a Hindu person and a Muslim person apart is asking them:

"Are you 7-Eleven or 9/11?"

My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.

What do you call a cab for black men?

A cop car.

What do you call a Black man having a seizure?

Chocolate shake.

So, me and my girlfriend that I just got 7 weeks ago, we’re in class. We had this sub named Mrs. Bellatrix.

We both raised our hands and she called on both of us.

Me: First of all, are we in kindergarten? We can’t be doing 4x4 kinda stuff.

Leah: And also, are you from Harry Potter?

Brrr, it's fucking cold outside, aye? What do you guys want for Christmas? A sweet video game? Maybe a cool action figure? Oh, how about the latest phone!

Who me? Oh, I guess... I wish snow could melt as fast as the snowflakes that downvote good jokes! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!

I was in class doing sex education. We were learning about sexual stereotypes.

My teacher turns to the class and asks, "If anyone could tell him what a sexual stereotype was?"

So I raised my hand and said, "Asians have small penis." He looked at me and said, "Very good, but I was looking for a definition."

Haha, you just saw sex!

When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.

It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.