Humor

I still remember my granddad's last words,

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

It's really great that you can make fun of orphans, 'cause what are they going to do? Tell their parents?

Who tells the best chicken jokes?

Comedi-hens!

What does the right eye say to the left eye?

Between you and me, something smells!

I once asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite... He said, "NaBrO."

Why did the man sit on his porch and bark at the postman when he came?

Because his dog had a sore throat!

I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.

A girl named Ranch went to the store and stayed there. Why? Because she was ranched!

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far, no one has given me a straight answer.

"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.

What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

What do you call a prostitute in a wheelchair?

Hot wheels.

What do you call a disabled kid's sweat?

VEGETABLE OIL!

The best way to tell a Hindu person and a Muslim person apart is asking them:

"Are you 7-Eleven or 9/11?"

My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.