Humor
You have two parts of [your] brain, "left" and "right". In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
My wife is like a mirror.
I can never look at it.
Your mama's so ugly that when she looks in the mirror, you can see Micah.
Guys, am I funny?
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.
It never gets old.
Yo mama so fat, NASA has a satellite orbiting around her.
How many rapists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Punchline: One, but they prefer soda bottles instead.
I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"
Good morning everybody, well I could say that unlike emo kids.
9/11 jokes are the bomb.
Why is the bald eagle bald?
Because it has no hair.
It has feathers. LOL.
Lil Johnny looked in his pants and couldn’t find his fish, so he started to yell out, "Lil fishy, lil fishy, lil fishy!" They called child support and sent the parents to jail for putting a fish up a child’s butt.
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.
Stephen Hawking isn't actually dead. He is just having an update.
Wanna hear a terrible joke?
Paper
Pretty tear-able, huh?
One man's pet is another man's dinner.
What’s black and long?
The Chick-fil-A line.
Friends are like penguins: if you stab them, they die. 😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
A kid went to visit his bully, and he says, "How's your face?" The kid says, "How's your parents?" and proceeds to walk out of the orphanage.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex, sex, sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."