Humor
Stephen Hawking isn't actually dead. He is just having an update.
Let me tell you how I escaped Iraq. Iran! (;)
Yesterday I asked my friend, "What is a fish without eyes?"
They replied, "I don’t know."
I said, "Fsh."
I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
Memes
What did the man's dick say to the man?
I just can't "hand"le it!
Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?
'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.
Why did the girl 👧 bring lipstick 💄 to beauty school?
Because she had a make-up exam.
If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage cos or tan?
A man once ate the left side of a person. One guy watching asked if the guy he was eating was okay. The man eating him said, "No... it's okay, he's all right now."
How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?
If you said he felt it in his bones, you're wrong. He watched the weather forecast.
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Bone."
"Bone who?"
"It's nice to meet cha'. Can we be friends? I'm bone-ly here."
There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, "I'm cold. Are you cold?"
The other cow says, "Yeah, I'm Fresian."
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-alot-a-puss.
Guy feels something on his back.
“Oh God, please let that be a rifle.”
“Nope. I’m just real happy to see you.”
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four chin teller.
We spend the weekend getting the poop out!
How do you drown a Blonde? You put a scratch and sniff sticker in a pool.
Why are eggs bad at puns?
They always mix up their yolks!
Why do priests dunk babies in water at their baptism? Because it's important to wash your sex toys.