Humor

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where's Trump's clock?"

"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.

You guys asked for a joke? Well, you're in luck, because you already are one!

A momma cow and three baby calves are on a farm. The first baby calf asks the momma cow, "Mom, why is my name Rose?"

The mom responded, "Well, you see, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."

The second one asks her, "Then why is my name Daisy?"

The mom chuckled and simply replied with, "When you were born, Daisy petals fell on your head."

The last one said, "DUH DUR SURH!"

The mom said, "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!"

How do you spell racecar backwards?

racecar

How do you spell racecar sideways?

Paul Walker's death.

How do you find a black person in the dark without a flashlight?

Tell them a joke to make them smile.

I tried out some puns to make people laugh, but no pun in ten did.

I had a joke about pizza, it's just too cheesy.

A puma was making another puma laugh. That puma that was laughing said, “Stop making me laugh! I’m gonna puma pants!”

What did Yoda say to Luke during his wedding ceremony?

"May divorce be with you."

Why did the cheese blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What's an Indian's favorite store?

Red Dot.

Yo mama so ugly,

my screen cracked when she took her photo!

Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?

Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.

Me: What is that?

Siri: Sugondese nuts.

Q: What is 9 + 11?

A: 9/11

Guy, your hairline was the reason Adolf Hitler said, "Let there be war!"

What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?

"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."

What's an Asian's worst nightmare? A tree.

This joke's about flowers, the blue one's a violet.

Your mom's the Twin Towers and I am the pilot!

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

I’d make a joke about prostitutes and women sleeping with multiple men, but it would just be whore-ible.