Humor
These jokes make me want to die.
My girlfriend asked me to tell a joke. I told her to look in the mirror.
We never met again.
What's worse than five dead babies in one garbage can?
- One dead baby in five garbage cans.
What do you call an Indian that came home late?
A curfew muncher.
Make this "joke" get 69 comments & 69 likes.
Are you a toaster? 'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.
Are you a knife? 'Cause you make me wanna KMS.
Are you a painting? 'Cause I hang you.
Are you the flu? 'Cause you make me wanna hurl.
Are you a newspaper? 'Cause you have new problems every day.
Are you the ground? 'Cause I'm six feet deep in you ;)
What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?
They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.
What’s the difference between a kid with cancer and a dark humor joke?
They never get old.
What's the best thing about 9/11 jokes...
They make you collapse with laughter because the Twin Towers collapsed.
This joke is so funny, I'll bet you greened (grinned).
So, I just got kicked out of the orphanage library for putting a book about parents in the fiction section.
Your momma's so dumb, she tried to climb Mountain Dew.
What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
My puns drive people nuts; this is usually when I bolt away.
Wanna hear a racist joke?...
Donald Trump.
A friend called me a while back saying, "I have COVID.... I can't breathe, I really have a hard time breathing."
I reply saying, "Dude, you need to work on your George Floyd jokes."
Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."
Would an orphan's family photo be considered a selfie?
Bob the builder took one look at you and said, "Nah, I can’t fix that!"