Humor

What's the difference between a skeleton and a baby? I don't set the skeleton on fire.

What did the cow say to the sheep?

“Moo!”

What did the sheep say to the cow?

“That was a bad joke!”

Oh baby, there's about to be 7 planets because I'm gonna destroy Uranus.

Why did Hitler get hit by a baseball?

Because he did nazi it coming!

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

What did the squirrel say to the dog?

"There are nuts in your poop. I found them!"

What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

If you are talking to an Indian and notice a red dot appear on their forehead, be careful of what you said... They are recording it down... Careful... (no offense) pure joke.

Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.

The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.

Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.

After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."

Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.

Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"

Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.

Guy: Why can't Jesus have M&M's?

Priest: Why?

Guy: Because they'll fall through the hole in his hands.

"Trump is Putin, America first!" hahaha

At weddings, old people poke me and say, "You're next!" So I do the same to them at funerals.

What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him having sex? "You're wheelie good at this!"

If you humped a whale, it would humpback.

What happened to the man who made too many bad jokes? He served out a cruel and unusual PUNishment.

Q: What is the difference between two bottles of Whiskey and 2 pretty feminist girls?

A: You don't leave the bottles in the cold and dark forest after you and your 9 friends are finished with them.

Friends are like penguins: if you stab them, they die. 😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

Here is a good joke: asking for consent before sex.