Humor

My life.

Tell me when you get it.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

What's the difference between your jokes and your penis? Nobody laughs at your jokes.

These jokes are fun for the whole family to enjoy.

What are you good at?

Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.

Why can't disabled people make jokes?

Well, it's called Stand-Up comedy, isn't it?

What is 6.9?

A beautiful thing ruined by a period.

What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

At least one does something when it is triggered.

My friend has a dry sense of humor.

Probably because her body was decomposed ages ago.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."

I got banned from the library for putting a book about woman's rights in the fantasy section.

I like my humor like my people. Well done.

Why did the depressed person cross the road?

To get run over.

Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.

Dad: Rubbing on the horse’s chest and butt.

Little Johnny: What are you doing?

Dad: Checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it.

Little Johnny: Oh well, I think the mall man wants to buy mom.

Did you know Hellen Keller has a pool?

Neither did she.