Humor

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

Did you hear about the school shooting joke? Well, I won't tell you it's aimed at a younger audience.

A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It picks cotton.

Even Steph Curry can't hit threes from behind your hairline.

Your hairline is so far back, it left before your dad.

Q: What did the iceberg say to the Titanic?

A: I'd hit that.

What leaves a bigger memory than a passionate kiss?

A stab wound.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

What's the difference between a baby and a salad?

Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

Why can't an orphan be gay?

Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy". (My bad if this offended anyone.)

Men wake up with a boner.

Women wake up yawning.

Coincidence?

I don't always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"

Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?

My friend: Chunky dunks.

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."