Humor

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?

Wave.

When the depressed kid runs out of eyeliner, so he says "fruit ninja" with his wrists.

Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.

I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon."

A kid walks in late to class. The teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." Another kid walks in late to class, and the teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." The last kid walks in and the teacher says, "Why are you late?...and why are you wet?" and the kid says back, "Remember, my name is Pebbles!!"

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

What is the longest word in the English Dictionary? "Smiles," because there is a mile between the first letter and the last.

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn't see that well.

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt-quack.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

You're so flat, you make pancakes look thiccc.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, but sadly, none of them seemed to have worked.

Want my opinion on Mongolia? It has its pros and Khans.

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No," said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough," his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself."

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.

What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree? 1 baby, nailed to 10 trees.

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.