A man walks up to a priest. The man says, "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says, "No, you are not my son." The man says, "Follow me." The man walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back!"
Humor
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
When he asked who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
What did the skeleton say before dinner? "Bone appetit." His whole family found that humerus.
I'm made with depression and extra anxiety, then a side of gay and a sprinkle of emo.
When the depressed kid runs out of eyeliner, so he says "fruit ninja" with his wrists.
I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon."
This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.
So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"
The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."
So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."
When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"
The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."
What is the longest word in the English Dictionary? "Smiles," because there is a mile between the first letter and the last.
Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt-quack.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
You're so flat, you make pancakes look thiccc.
Want my opinion on Mongolia? It has its pros and Khans.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.
What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree? 1 baby, nailed to 10 trees.
They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No," said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough," his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself."
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.
What do you call a nose without a body? -- Nobody knows.
