Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?
Because he was about to kick the cabinet.
having sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels
If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a Hit and Can't Run?
You shouldn’t bully fat people
They already have enough on their plate
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.
When the depressed kid runs out of eyeliner So he says fruit ninja with his wrists
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.
What do you call a nose without a body? -- Nobody knows.
Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.
They say masterbation is better with a dead arm
Apparently I ruined that funeral
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.
MVP means: “Most Valuable Player”. In Chuck Norris case: “Most Vaginas Penetrated”.
What's the difference between eggs, and you? Eggs get laid, you don't.
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread em?
a blond, a red head, and brunette, were stuck on an island, and the closest populated island was 100km away, so in turn they try to swim to the island, the brunette swims 10 km then drowns, the red head swims 30 km then drowns, the blond swims 50 km then gets tired so she swims back.
If someone calls you, reply with this “Hi this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?
Guy: My life is like a game, I should end it.
Guy 2: Is it a hard life?
Guy: Yup
Guy 2: Then you can't kill yourself LOL
Guy 3: Hold on, I know a cheat code to finish the "game"
Once again, RIP Daniel Kyre, he actually died this day five years ago.
He attempted suicide Sep 16, and was in life support, till his parents made the tough decision of taking him off.
We will miss ya bud..... (cyndagoooooooo)
What is Hitler's least favorite month?
Jewly.
What's the best thing about 28 year old's? -There's 20 of them.
Abortion, it really brings out the kid in you.
