Hows jokes

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

Man to woman: "Would you sleep with me for one million dollars?"

Woman: "Sure."

Man: "How about for ten dollars?"

Woman: "What do you think I am?"

Man: "We’ve already established what you are. All we’re doing is negotiating price."

How many orphans does it take to "test drive" a bus? It depends on how much space the orphanage has and how much space the cemetery has.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Infinite because feminists can't solve problems.

Teacher: What's 3 minus 1? Me: I don't know. Teacher: How about this, you have three cakes, I take one. How many cakes do you have? Me: Three. Teacher: If I take one cake from your three, what do you have? Me: Three cakes and a dead teacher.

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

How does a cannibal start a wedding reception?

He toasts the groom.

How to respond if someone starts looking at the photos on your phone.

Step 1: Jab your thumbs into their eye sockets.

How do you get an emo kid to jump?

A bridge.

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

How does a peadophile help a kid with maths? He adds the bed, divides the clothes, and multiplies with the whole classroom.

How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, cause they'll screw anything.

You should know how important it is to wash your sex toys.

That's why priests invented baptism.

How did Michael Jackson get away with it?

He's a smooth criminal.

I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣

How did Reese eat her cereal? - Witherspoon!

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

How do you avoid getting raped? Just don't say no!

How did the cow break up with the other cow? He said he moo-ved on.