Hows jokes
Your mum is so bad at cooking, Gordon Ramsey brought back Hitler to show her how to use an oven.
How did the rich save the poor?
They didn't let them in the Titanic.
Mr. Smith had four daughters. Each of his daughters had a brother. How many children does Mr. Smith have?
I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?
How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw a light bulb?
Oh wait, Michael Jackson only screws little boys, my bad.
How are rape and airplanes similar?
The ride gets more annoying when the kid starts screaming.
How do you get away with rape and incest in California?
Say you identify as a woman. Fact: It's actually legal to rape your daughter if you are a woman in California.
I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Infinite because feminists can't solve problems.
Teacher: What's 3 minus 1? Me: I don't know. Teacher: How about this, you have three cakes, I take one. How many cakes do you have? Me: Three. Teacher: If I take one cake from your three, what do you have? Me: Three cakes and a dead teacher.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"
"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."
The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"
The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."
"What about the boy?" the woman asked.
The doctor said, "Denephew."
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
How much semen can a gay man hold? A buttload.
I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.
He said he couldn't complain.
How did Michael Jackson get away with it?
He's a smooth criminal.
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.