Hows jokes
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Infinite because feminists can't solve problems.
Teacher: What's 3 minus 1? Me: I don't know. Teacher: How about this, you have three cakes, I take one. How many cakes do you have? Me: Three. Teacher: If I take one cake from your three, what do you have? Me: Three cakes and a dead teacher.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"
"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."
The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"
The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."
"What about the boy?" the woman asked.
The doctor said, "Denephew."
Memes
I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.
He said he couldn't complain.
Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?
I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, cause they'll screw anything.
Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.
How did the man with no arms commit suicide?
We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.
How did Michael Jackson get away with it?
He's a smooth criminal.
How does a cannibal start a wedding reception?
He toasts the groom.
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
How to respond if someone starts looking at the photos on your phone.
Step 1: Jab your thumbs into their eye sockets.
How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?
Two, one for her and one for the baby.
How do you get an emo kid to jump?
A bridge.
How does a peadophile help a kid with maths? He adds the bed, divides the clothes, and multiplies with the whole classroom.
How did Reese eat her cereal? - Witherspoon!