Hows jokes
How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?
Skelesore.
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.
How are rape and an airplane similar?
The ride gets more annoying when the kid starts screaming.
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What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.
How can you tell if Google is a girl?
It makes suggestions before you finish your sentence!
Sally jumped out a plane, she forgot her parachute!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally...
How did she die?
A bomb came down whilst falling through the sky.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A bomb.
How do you beat Lady Gaga at Texas hold’em?
Poker face.
How do you clean the ocean?
With tide!
So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...
How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.
There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.
Friend 1: How can the skeleton tell it was going to rain?
Me: He could feel it in his bones.
Friend 1: No, he read the forecast, you fucking idiot!
Heheh ;3
Chuck Norris gets paid $2 million a month training Bear Grylls how to survive in the “harshest conditions on earth.”
I hear Cornell produces very dedicated farmers; they’ll plow a field all night long no matter how much resistance she gives ’em.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
How do we know the Ancient Egyptians were into organized crime?
They were always using pyramid schemes!
How do you get a million fowl?
You run through Africa with a bullet of water.
How sexy is Ariana Grande?
Why is "Frozen" a good movie for orphans?
Because they know how to "let it go" when their parents went.
How can you help a llama on holiday? Alpaca your bags.
My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. ( ╹▽╹ )
Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (◍•ᴗ•◍)
All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ◡ಠ