Hows jokes
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, cause they'll screw anything.
How do fat people settle arguments?
By bumping into each other to see who falls over first.
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
How much semen can a gay man hold? A buttload.
How did Reese eat her cereal? - Witherspoon!
Friend: I broke up with Sara.
Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.
Friend: How did her pussy feel?
Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.
Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!
Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.
Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
Emo girls be like: How much am I worth...
Girl, scan the code on your wrist!
How did the cow break up with the other cow? He said he moo-ved on.
What's the difference between calling someone dad or daddy? How you come from his balls.
How do you execute a retard?
The Electric Wheelchair.
When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?
"One, he killed himself."
What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.
How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.
How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.
What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."
How is slavery different from Pokémon?
There are different types of Pokémon.
On a scale of Johnny Depp having an erectile dysfunction to Michael Jackson exposing himself in a child day care center, how hard is it to get into Oxford?
How did Fortnite record their henchman sounds?
They asked a bunch of kids with Down syndrome to film a documentary.