Hows jokes
Little Johnny's mom got a call from school saying to come over. As she does, she is met by the principal. They go into his office and the principal says, "Your son is going to be suspended for a week for blowing clouds in the bathroom." The mother responds, "He is fifteen, how is he blowing clouds already? Bring him in here." A boy walks in, and Johnny's mother says, "This isn't my son, bring him in here, I would like a word with him." The principal replies, "Ma'am, this is Clouds." The mother faints.
How do you make a baby cry?
You run over it with a lawn mower.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
How do you tell when a blonde just lost her virginity?
Her crayons are still wet.
How do you spell racecar backwards?
racecar
How do you spell racecar sideways?
Paul Walker's death.
Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.
Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."
Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?
Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.
How many people can you fit in a car?
6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.
Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"
Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.
You know how all zodiacs have hairstyles... well not Cancers.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Puerto Rican!"
Then the blonde replies, "OMG, you dirty little slut! How many is a Puerto Rican?"
How many orphans can you fit in a bag of chips?
One, if the bag is family size.
How do adults like their cookies like their orphans?
Homemade.
Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are only 5 years old, yet you know how to give great head.
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
How many orphans does it take to repair a house? None, they don't have one.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
How is sex like air?
It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
School Bully: How's your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have any!
Me: How's your parents? Oh wait, you don't have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage*
How do emo bands prepare for their shows?
They self-harmonize.