Hows jokes
How many dicks can fit inside of a hooker? I don't know, ask your wife.
What is similar between sex and fishing?
It doesn't matter how deep you go, it matters how you wiggle the worm.
It's amazing how many things rhyme with blue.
Blue, sue, stew, poo, screw, new, boo, do, rue, glue, you, to, too, flew, you, goo, zoo, two, moo, woo, ooh, blew...
Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"
Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."
I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
You want to know how to spot a foster kid?
Them carrying their whole life in a Hefty trash bag.
How did the guy greet his wife?
"Howdy, sister!"
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail? A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
Q: How can you tell that a pedophile likes music?
A: He rapes D minor.
How do you be friends with a musician?
B minor.
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson
How do you know an orphan is telling the truth?
When they swear on their mother's grave!
How do non-binary people kill people?
They slash them.
One time an ant was collecting food. Suddenly, a wind pushed the ant into the river. The ant said, "Help! Help!" and a pigeon heard it. Then, he grabbed a leaf and threw it in the river. The ant climbed on it, and then the pigeon and the ant became best friends. But one time, a hunter came to kill the pigeon. When the ant saw him, she bit his leg and the pigeon flew away from the arrow, and that's how friends are, everybody.
Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.
I asked an angel, "How did I die?"
"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."
How do Asian parents name their baby?
They drop a pot down a flight of stairs.
How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.
How do you execute a retard?
The Electric Wheelchair.