Hows jokes
An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.
Man: "Hey, cute lady!"
Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."
Man: "Not for long!"
And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.
Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"
Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."
Woman: "Never."
And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.
Man: "You look like a dream."
Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"
Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"
And then the man orders flowers and candy.
Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."
And the man shoots the bartender.
Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.
Guy 1: How far are we going?
Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.
How to write a joke?
How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?
Calculator!
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
Your mum is so bad at cooking, Gordon Ramsey brought back Hitler to show her how to use an oven.
How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.
How do chickens 🐔 get stronger and stronger?
They egg-xercise every day!
How do stars die? Usually a overdose in an airport.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5
4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.
One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
You give them a Sandy Hook.
The sky never changes color, but when it does, we know how your breath is increasing.
Emo girls be like, "How much am I worth?"
Girl, scan the code on your wrist.
1: Hey.
2: What?
1: We're outta paint.
2: *HMM*
(And that's how stop signs have extra paint.)
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
When you see an orphanage bully, remind them that no matter how powerful they are, they will never be as strong as their dads... Oh wait, they don't have a dad.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell them to clap until their parents come home.
Today a girl asked me how big my dick is, so I asked how big her pussy is, and she said, "Come over to my house and find out!"