Hows jokes
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
Wood-fired pizza.
How would pizza get a job now?
How do s’mores communicate?
On Insta-graham.
How did the digital clock show off to its mother?
Look, Ma, no hands!
How to get rid of your depression:
1. Stop self-pitying.
2. Realize you can't.
3. Fucking deal with it.
You're welcome.
Memes
I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"
How do you know if a chick is too fat?
If you pull her pants down, her ass is still in them.
How are boobs and toys similar?
Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.
How do people grade pedophiles?
1st grade to 8th grade.
(I know it's orphan jokes but still)
Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂
Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.
Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.
One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.
Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.
Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?
Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!
I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"
How do chickens 🐔 get stronger and stronger?
They egg-xercise every day!
How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?
It's only got 10 hours to live.
How did you get Sally into a blender?
- Without much resistance.
How do you get Sally out of a blender?
- Tortilla chips.
How can you tell if your sister is on her period?
Your father's dick tastes funny.
How many ears does Captain Picard have?
Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.
How did the Scottish man find the sheep in the tall grass?
Satisfying.