Hows jokes
Race car backwards is race car.
Race car sideways is how Paul Walker died.
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
A note for my old English Teacher:
Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...
And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!
Memes
My recent tabs
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"
God: (creating elephants) Make it big.
Angel: How big?
God: As big as my d--
Angel: Whoa!
God: Fine, 10 feet tall.
Angel: That's big bu--
God: Put a long thing on its face.
How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.
Old Mother Riley, had a fat cow.
She milked it and milked it but didn't know how, she pulled his tail, pulled his tits. Old Mother Riley was covered in sh!t.
How do you get a million fans?
Just run through Africa with a bottle of water.
Girlfriend: You remind me of a cellphone.
Ex-Boyfriend: How and why?
Girlfriend: Because you're about to die!
How are a mouse and a bale of hay alike?
The cat'll eat it (the cattle eat it).
What is similar about the feelings of a girl's birth daddy and her new pimp daddy?
They both worry about how she will turn out!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
Best way to trick your friends:
A brick falls out of a plane.
How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put him in, and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the door, take the poor elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
The animal kingdom is throwing a party, all the animals are there except for one, who? The giraffe, because he's still in the fridge.
Sally needs to cross the river that is known to be filled with deadly crocodiles, but she crossed safely, how? Because the crocodiles are at the party, but Sally still dies after crossing the river, how? Because she was hit by the flying brick.
How do you make a little girl cry for a second time?
By wiping her blood off your dick with her teddy bear.
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
So I was sitting at a bar, right? That fucking waitress came again, and guess what? She brought the wrong drinks again. So I send her away to get the correct drinks. And she came back again, with the wrong drinks!! Obviously, she was retarded. Anyways that's the story about how I met your mother.
"Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up) We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching, but You're too shy to say it Inside, we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you." mucho_mango: just woke up from my dream what was that.