Household jokes

What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.

Why can't orphans have a large bag of chips? Because they're family sized.

Father: I am taking your toys to the orphanage.

Son: Why?

Father: You’ll need them there.

How do you make a blind girl smile? Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Why can't orphans eat at a family restaurant?

Because there is no family.

What is the best part of being an orphan?

Every bag of chips is family sized.

I believe in a woman's right to choose...

...whether she wants to cook first and then clean or clean first and then cook.

I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.

What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?

I don't keep a trash bag full of oranges in my basement.

Here's a Song That Describes My Old Life-By-watersharky Productions-

My buddies think I'm on the lake.

Boss thinks I've been sick for days.

And mama's probably on her way

'Cause I ain't picked up the phone.

I've been a million places,

But they're all up in my head.

Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.

I've been gone, I've been gone

I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

Sadder than a country song.

Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.

Took a trip down memory lane.

Checked into hotel heartbreak.

Passed rock bottom on the way

Without leaving my living room.

I've been a million places

But they're all up in my head.

Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.

I've been gone, I've been gone

I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

Sadder than a country song.

Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.

Yeah

I've been gone.

All the clothes are on the floor

All the mail's by the door

All the whiskey bottles in my bed.

All the dishes in the sink

All the gas is in the tank

All the neighbors probably think I'm dead.

I've been gone, I've been gone

I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

Sadder than a country song.

Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

Ever since you moved on, I've been gone (ooh, ooh)

I've been gone (ooh, ooh)

Gone

How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Mom: Go water the plants.

Me: But it’s raining outside.

Mom: Go grab the umbrella.

Me: What???

How do you punish a blind kid?

Rearrange the furniture.

What's the difference between a pregnant one and a light bulb?

One you can unscrew.

I couldn't find my cat, and then my pillow started meowing.

What’s the difference between someone’s wife and a plate?

They both have to stay in the kitchen.

Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

More than 9 because my basement is still dark.

I once had a trash can as a girlfriend.

I was ready to break up with her, but all she had to say was, "Please don't dump me!" Then I said, "Sorry, I'm ready to take out the trash."