Household jokes

What TV shows do orphans not like?

"Family Guy."

What’s an orphan’s favorite Netflix show?

Fuller House.

What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?

A baby in the microwave!

When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer...

If lint comes from pockets, where does a cockroach come from?

How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not 15, as my basement's still dark.

Women should have the right to choose whether they want to do cooking or cleaning first.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

Oh wait, I'm thinking of...

Why does an orphan go to a sewer?

So it can wash up.

Why can't orphans eat chips?

'Cause they're family sized!

What’s the difference between a puppy and a fork?

I don’t microwave forks.

What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?

I don't keep a trash bag full of oranges in my basement.

My wife left a note on the fridge. The note read, "It's not working." I don't know what she's talking about. I opened the fridge, and it worked fine!

What did the plug hole say to the plug? "We are so in sync."

How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All I got was dust and my mom's wig.

Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower. Thanks, Phil!

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.