Household jokes

The other day all those toilet papers came by my house and asked do I have any crack candy. Naw, I don't have no damn crack candy or no crack apples. All I have here in the backyard is a peanut butter crack sandwich. Help yourself, and while you're at it, clean up all the damn doggie dodo that's everywhere. Thank you, Mr. Toilet Papers.

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

As an orphan, every bag of chips is family size.

Once upon a time, there was a poor man, a middle-class man, and a rich man. They were all talking about how they found happiness in their lives. The rich man said, "I found happiness through money and all of my assets." The middle-class man said, "I found happiness through my steady job and my loving household." The poor man said, "I may not have much, but I find my happiness through the little acts of kindness people show me."

And then the wall fell on them.

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

My dad smashed my PS5, so I smashed his wife.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?

Give her a shovel.

What did the dog say when he got its tail caught in the door?

"It won't be long now..."

A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

I don't know why my blind kid is crying, but I think it could be the tacks I put on the couch.

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week. She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer…

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Cause it's a family company.

How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not 15, as my basement's still dark.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.

My mom told me to clean the sink, but I couldn’t find you.

I once had a trash can as a girlfriend.

I was ready to break up with her, but all she had to say was, "Please don't dump me!" Then I said, "Sorry, I'm ready to take out the trash."