What TV shows do orphans not like?
"Family Guy."
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
If lint comes from pockets, where does a cockroach come from?
How many children does it take to change a lightbulb.
Not 15, as my basements still dark
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
Oh wait, I'm thinking of...
When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer...
Women should have the right to choose whether they want to do cooking or cleaning first.
What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?
I don't keep a trash bag full of oranges in my basement.
My wife left a note on the fridge. The note read, "It's not working." I don't know what she's talking about. I opened the fridge, and it worked fine!
What did the plug hole say to the plug? "We are so in sync."
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All I got was dust and my mom's wig.
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.
Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!
You: Why? I don't have any.
Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?
Why do orphans eat cereal with water?
Their dad did not come back with the milk.
Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.
When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."
When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."
Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
