Household jokes

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

How do parents punish a blind kid? They rearrange the furniture.

What’s another name for a woman giving birth?

Unloading the dishwasher.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.

If dust mites are found in dust, bedbugs are found in beds, where are cockroaches found in?

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.

She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

A boy and his friend were walking down the street.

Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"

Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."

Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."

Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.

He came in twice.

(like if u understand)

My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.

If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.

Biden: *falls over on steps*

What sucks but doesn't suck?

Vacuums!

How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?

More than ten, apparently.

Father: I am taking your toys to the orphanage.

Son: Why?

Father: You’ll need them there.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Hit your wife harder.