Hospital jokes

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

What's the difference between a Catholic hospital and Michael Jackson's Children's Hospital?

No seriously, what is it?

Did you hear about Johnny Depp's shelter for abused women? It's going as well as Michael Jackson's children's hospital!

What’s ten feet long and bald?

The conga line in the cancer ward.

A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

What is long and not hairy?

The conga line in the cancer department.

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!

My grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology." I said, "We will see about that," and I unplugged his life support.

I turned off all the beeping machines in the hospital. I love the peace and quiet, but I don't know why everyone is sleeping cause it's only 8 am.

Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."

Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"

Patient: "What condition?"

A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."

A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."

The day after Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.

A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:

"I have good news and bad news."

The wife said: "What's the good news?"

"We managed to save his arm."

"What's the bad news?"

"We couldn't save the rest of him."

I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?

An amputation.

Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.