Hospital jokes

Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."

Where's the best place to spawn camp at the hospital?

The maternity ward.

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)

Caller: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?"

Operator: "Yes, you can speak to me."

Caller: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!"

Operator: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"

Caller: "I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent."

Operator: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?"

Caller: "Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital."

Operator: "Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"

Caller: "You are so rude! Who are you?"

Operator: "I'm Saw Lee (Sorry)."

Caller: "Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"

These aren't funny.

Why do hospitals have fans?

To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.

There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?

The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!

What do hospitals do when they receive donor organs? They organize them.

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To eat Bob's arms.

Bob went to hospital and had no arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Bob.

I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.

3 boys were having a debate about who had the healthiest grandma.

Boy 1: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!"

Boy 2: "No, I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!"

Boy 3: "I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital..."

Boy 1 and 2, looking confused.

Boy 1: "If she's so healthy, why is she in the hospital?"

Boy 3: "Because she's giving birth right now!"

An orphan walked up to St. June's Family Hospital.

Doctor: "Sorry kid, you can't be in here."

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."

So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."

Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?

They would hang themselves like ornaments.

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.