Hospital

Hospital jokes

Technology

    • When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

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    • Hospital memes

    Vegan

    • The black nurse tells me she has been a vegan for 29 years. The father sitting next to me asks, "So you don't miss fried chicken?"

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    • Doctor

    • A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

    The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

    The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

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    • Voodoo dick

    • A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine.

    He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!”

    The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk and, once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid.

    The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!”

    The man nods and heads home.

    Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip.

    A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!”

    The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief.

    “Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”

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    • Blood Type

    • My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

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    • Shelter

    • Did you hear about Johnny Depp's shelter for abused women? It's going as well as Michael Jackson's children's hospital!

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