Home jokes

People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.

They can stay in their living room.

I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.

If only Caesar hadn’t left home that day...

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.

Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"

Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."

What did one orphan say to another? Where's your home?

One day, I sit in the lounge on a chair.

So, I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion.

(SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING)

How many babies does it take to paint a room red?

Depends how hard you throw 'em.

When your crush walks in class but you're homeschooled...

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

She comes home with sparkles on her face.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"

Genie: "Wish granted!"

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

I tried making an orphan baseball team. It sucked because they couldn’t find home plate.

I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.

In America, there was a boy named Urhan, and he had one hand and a stump, and a girl named Handa who was an orphan. They had a trial for the Boston Red Sox, and they failed because Urhan couldn’t stump the ball, and Handa didn’t know where home was.

I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

Your mom who?

O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!

A man walks into a forest and sees a girl crying. He asks her, "What is wrong?"

She replies, "I lost my family, my friends, and my home."

The man then unties his pants and says, "Then young lady, your day is about to get worse!"