What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?
Both get food thrown at them some of the time.
History Jokes
What would Hitler be called if he abused women? Hither!
Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.
Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.
Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?
Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!
My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.
What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?
No one shuts up about them.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.
What do Cavemen poop in?
A Neander stall.
What do Miss Reeves and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both have a touchy feeling for kids.
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.
The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.
What's the difference between an air blower and Little Boy?
When the air blower blew, it did not wipe out Hiroshima.
Hillary Clinton is elected president...
And on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."
Tonight, on Top Gear!
James May dives a bus full of kids off a mountain!
Richard Hammond starts WW3 in Germany!
And I fly a plane into the World Trade Center!
I've never seen my dad since September 11. I wonder where he is...
A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.
He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.
The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.
Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"
What's the difference between cancer and a Nazi? Cancer doesn't discriminate.
What was Jesus' reaction when the first black person was born?
"Holy shit, I burnt one."
Signs my cousin is going places when he's older:
TEST QUESTION: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
He wrote: "At the bottom of the page."
Smart kid!
My grandpa died during World War II. He was the best concentration camp guard they have ever seen. RIP.
Americans don't like playing chess with Muslims; last time they did play, they ended up losing two towers.
