History jokes
What was King Tut's favorite coffee?
De-coffin-ated.
Why are all Asians so skinny?
Because last time there was a fat man a whole population disappeared.
Why was the slave so happy? Because he got his master's degree.
What does an armed bank robbery and Michael Jackson have in common?
Someone gets hurt.
Why does America suck at chess?
They lost two towers.
My favorite sex position is the “JFK,” I splatter all over her as she screams to get out of the car 😂
My dad killed Hitler.
Meaning behind the German flag: 🇩🇪 Black: culture Red: Beer Yellow: Sausage Blue: Winning world wars.
What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?
Both get food thrown at them some of the time.
What would Hitler be called if he abused women? Hither!
Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.
Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.
Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?
Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!
My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.
What do Cavemen poop in?
A Neander stall.
What do Miss Reeves and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both have a touchy feeling for kids.
What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?
No one shuts up about them.
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.
The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.
What's the difference between an air blower and Little Boy?
When the air blower blew, it did not wipe out Hiroshima.
Hillary Clinton is elected president...
And on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."