Him jokes

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

Why was the orphan so successful?

When they told him go big or go home, he only had one option.

Why is a brick always hard? Because he seen the brick that was getting laid right next to him.

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

I got in a cage fight.

The hamster didn't know what hit him!

When the bully says, "You're adopted," so you hit him with, "At least someone wanted me!"

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

Anakin Skywalker: I don't like sand.

*also him*

Anakin Skywalker: I lived on sand.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

I caught my wife cheating on me.

I beat my son and grounded him.

Why is the orphan sad for dinner?

He has no one to eat with at the table.

Your uncle Jack is stuck on the horse...

Would you help him jack off the horse?

My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.

I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."

I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.

A Chelsea fan called Timo Werner on his phone to encourage him during his bad form. Timo Werner still missed all the calls.

A guy entered a library and wanted to get some books to read. He was searching across the books, and the librarian asked him,

Librarian: What are you looking for?

Man: I am looking for a book!

Librarian: Which book?

Man: Facebook.

A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.

The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"