Herring jokes

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."

How can a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?

She can clean her crack and sell it again.

My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.

Jack and Jill went up the hill. So Jack could lick her candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock.

Because Jill's real name was Randy.

Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

What is the difference between a hooker and a feminist?

If you want a hooker to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Yo mama so fat, I saw her eat with 3 utensils: A spoon, a knife, and a FORKLIFT.

How do you know your sister’s on her period? Your dad's cock tastes funny.

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

What does a queen want on her cookie?

Royal Icing.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

Holy shit there's so many yo mama jokes. Here's mine: Yo mama so skinny she used a cheerio as a hula hoop.

Yo mama so fat that she made a plane unstable and crashed it into the Twin Towers.

Yo mama so old that she has Jesus's autograph.

Yo mama so ugly that not even makeup can save her.

Yo mama so dumb that she thought Rocket League was a competition between kids in wheelchairs.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They put her in a circle room and told her to find the penny in the corner.