Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her head? She answered the iron.
How'd she burn the other side? They called back.
My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.
She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it, and she replied, "It's a bad habit."
Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.
Me: Guess who came crawling right back?
This homeless lady called me ugly, so I told her, "Okay, then I'm going home."
My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
What do you call someone who hates rape jokes? An ugly feminist that couldn't get a cock in her mouth.
What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?
The redneck virgin.
What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."
Why did the rape victim think it was Christmas?
Because her clothes were torn off like wrapping paper.
A girl asks her Asian boyfriend if he wants to eat her pussy. He asks her why she is taking off her clothes, instead of cooking her cat.
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
How can a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?
She can clean her crack and sell it again.
Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.
Yo mama so fat, I saw her eat with 3 utensils: A spoon, a knife, and a FORKLIFT.
What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"
Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
