So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.
Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.
"The legend says Tinker Bell was good in jerkin' off Peter with her tiny fingers, but it pains me to think that Captain Hook was a closeted-sadist boyfriend."
"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."
"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."
Q: What did the AISH worker do on her lunch break? A: Five Guys.
Rape is always unequivocally wrong.
Unless it's an AISH worker. Then you give her anal.
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
I wanted to fuck my mom, but she replied, "My pussy only belongs to your dad." That's why I had to fuck her in the a$$!
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.
My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!
My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.
The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.
The fact that her breasts block the view is not her fault.
At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.
On a related note, I suck at darts.
My mother was suffering from menstrual pain. So I fucked her for 7 hours to ease her pain. I continued to do so for the next 6 days. Even after fucking her 51 times during her 7-day period, I fucked her 5-6 times a day for the next three months and stopped her period for 9 months! Only her son can understand and ease the pain of a mother.
POV: Your grandma is on life support. I would unplug her life support to charge my third phone.
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
When Mother Teresa went to heaven, she was greeted by Saint Peter with a halo for her dedication to the needy. After walking around for a while, she saw Lady Diana with a bigger halo. She got angry at Lady Diana and went to Saint Peter and asked him why she had a bigger one, and Saint Peter said, "Oh, that’s not a halo, that’s a steering wheel."
