My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy" to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, i'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”
I broke up with my girlfriend, so I stole her wheelchair, and guess who came crawling back.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"
The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."
Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
When meeting her parents don't require you to leave the house
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"
One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one then he/she should stand up. After a minute a boy stands up.
The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.
The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
