Her jokes
My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
How can a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?
She can clean her crack and sell it again.
What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"
Jack and Jill went up the hill. So Jack could lick her candy.
But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock.
Because Jill's real name was Randy.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.
What is the difference between a hooker and a feminist?
If you want a hooker to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.
Your mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company.
Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.
Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
Yo mama so fat, I saw her eat with 3 utensils: A spoon, a knife, and a FORKLIFT.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
Your mama so fat the flash died halfway running around her.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
My bitch as flat as her grannie's heartbeat.
My girlfriend is like treasure to me.
You need a shovel to find her.