Her jokes
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"
Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"
The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"
Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."
The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."
How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?
I told her the plunger was stuck in the toilet, but she didn’t listen...
How many feminists do you need to change a light bulb?
One. She puts the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around her.
...just kidding-
- none. They can't change anything.
One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".
The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.
A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."
What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?
“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”
What should you do if the dishwasher breaks?
Kick her.
Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?
Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.
Yo mama so old, her birth certificate expired.
How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s dick.
Yo mama so fat, when she took a picture of herself, her phone ran out of storage.
A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”
Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”
What is the difference between a lesbian and a female prostitute?
If you want a female prostitute to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.
My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.
Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? She wanted to send them via airmail.
Yo mama so fat, she uses the equator as her belt.
Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.