Her jokes

The emo girl in my class did her photosynthesis project on a tree. Little did she know that would be her demise later on.

I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.

Why did the strawberry cry?

Her mom was in a jam.

What kind of shirts does Sally's parents get her?

Long sleeves.

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”

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Why can’t Helen Keller jump out of an airplane?

It scares the shit out of her dog.

So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.

So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."

I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.

Once a man goes to a restaurant. Then, he was waiting until the waitress comes and tells him that they don't have food.

He was grumpy, but the waitress make him relaxing by unbuttoning her pants and undressing her panties and uncovering clothes from her pussy until everything get striped, then she say to him: "Good meal."

A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."

What do you call a Chinese hooker that won't get on her knees?

Cantonese...

Her: I love Kobe Bryant!

Me: Helicopter Helicopter

Her:.....

Me: At least you don't say save the trees, cus damn Kobe is good.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high, touched Jill's thigh, and said, "I know you wanna."

But silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a kid.

I would rather be drugged and robbed by Cardi B than listen to her f***ing music.

Her chest was so flat, I felt gay while hugging her.

What is a woman doing with an empty sheet?

Reading her rights!

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.

We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.

Yo momma's so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.