Help jokes

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

Why do dwarfs work at Tesco?

Because every little helps!

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.

"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.

"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.

People say I should be proud of my autism, but truth be told, I'm only in it for the help in class.

A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"

A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"

The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"

I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.

I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.

Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

answer the phone with this:

"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

or

"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.

Your uncle Jack is stuck on a horse. Will you help Jack off a horse?

After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...

...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:

370HSSV 0773H

All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.

One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:

"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

How can you save a depressed person from a tree?

You cut the rope.

Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.

Why did the homeless man stop to help the kids cross the street?

To get them into his van.

I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?

I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.

You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"

How do you help a starving cannibal?

You give him a hand!

I'm lookin' for some good jokes for the best song award. Can y'all help a fellow out?