My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.
Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!
Officer: You OK, kid?
Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.
Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*
When officer leaves:
Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?
How do you help a starving cannibal?
You give him a hand!
You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"
Jantje goes on a walk with his grandmother. Jantje sees 1 dollar on the street and picks it up.
The grandmother says: "Hey, Jantje! No picking up things from the floor! They are ugly and bad!"
Then they keep walking. The grandmother slips and asks Jantje to help her stand up. Jantje answers: "No! Everything on the ground is ugly and bad."
A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."
The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"
Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?
Why did the homeless man stop to help the kids cross the street?
To get them into his van.
Q. There were two sisters. One was having twins and asked her sister to help name the children. If one was named Deniece, what was the other named?
A. Denephew.
I fell in love with my computer because it helps me Excel.
What do you do if your online friend wants to commit suicide? You can't do anything, he's already on line.
Little Johnny was getting beaten up by two kids, so I came and helped.
He won’t stand against the three of us!
What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation?
"Do you need help packing your shit?"
I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.
A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like an apple.
A Mario & Luigi joke.
What are the Mario bros' view on child support?
Mario: The parents are obligated to provide for the child and help them the best they could.
Luigi: LMAO I GOTTA GO!
I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.
Why did the dwarf work at Tesco?
Because every little bit helps!
Are you getting tired of life? Yes? Then call 180 go fuck yourself.
It's not our problem.com That's 180 go fuck yourself it's not our problem.com
I can’t help you find orphan jokes. Maybe ask their family.
