Help jokes

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

I found the best GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-get-the-time-machine.

Put Helen Keller in George Floyd's position. How would she cry out for help? Would she just moan, or would she try to do sign language?

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

Freddy: I'm coming for you >:)

Me: God, no, help!

*game notification pops up with very loud sound*

I can make a living with the "Treat Yo self" budget.

Yet I can’t use the "Help yo self" budget.

Osama Bin Laden thrown in ocean!

People who helped with the Twin Towers destruction: ...

I love the word legs.

Wanna help me spread the word?

A depressed man buys a gun for suicide, but then thinks, "maybe I shouldn't be doing this," and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.

He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"

You know what’s traumatizing?

Your mom breastfeeding in front of you.

Help!

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

Yo mama so ugly, we all are trying to help her look better.

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

Are you getting tired of life? Yes? Then call 180 go fuck yourself.

It's not our problem.com That's 180 go fuck yourself it's not our problem.com

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.