New Help Jokes - Page 4 - Worst Jokes Ever

Why is my anus burning? Cause I sat on an open lighter oh god help

why did the orphan not call 911 when he saw a tower catch fire? Cuz he did not want any kids to go through the same pain.

dentist: open up sir

me:so..i hate my life my family my sisters my dog my cat and i tried to take a bath with my toaster but my dog took it that's why i hate my dog and my cat died trying to chew my rope it choked.....yea

dentist: i.. meant your mouth .. so i can clean your teeth

me: :O ohhhh my bad

dentist : do u need help??

me: yep

dentist:...

me: ....

Why do we call it dead bodies? Nobody says alive bodies! like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG ITS FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones tho." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on husband, help me with the bodies." If its a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals. I hacker, a rapist, a serial killer and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial decides that she want’s to change, but when she see a knife she just can’t help it. He bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist get teleported back to prison

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself and his friend says "Find jesus instead he'll help you!" and than the man says "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist".

um I need help how should I deal with depression?

joke: I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself

You guys are literally mentally ill you should get some help this is so disgusting ew

How do you help a rape victim on a diet lose 7 pounds? Kill her afterwards

I call this my great talk with Siri

Me : hey Siri give me and Ur Mom joke

Siri: My mother ? Huh?

Me: Did I stutter?

Siri: Interesting question

Me : it wasn’t a question

Siri: I’m not sure I understand?

Me: you should understand

Siri: hmm... Is there something else I can help with?

Me: no you b***

My mom told me to help her with the laser but it was opposite day so I pushed her down. She said help so I kick her

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably. Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly"

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

Germany does backflip america What is happining France want a bagute?USSR Help

Russia: "silince"

Ukraine: Help.....

One day I went to talk to my friend. "Hi John!" I said. No response. "Oh yea." I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button. "Hope that helps."