Hearing jokes

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg?

He's all right.

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?

He was a great veterinarian.

Did you hear about the octopus who went emo? He sliced all 8 of his wrists.

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t hear an enzyme.

Did you hear about the nun that got kicked out of the convent?

She got caught squatting on the cucumbers in the garden.

Did you hear about the nun that got kicked out of the convent?

She got caught squatting on the cucumbers in the garden.

Did you hear about the lesbians who are suing their contractor?

He used nails when they wanted tongue and groove.

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

Did you hear about the bull who went on a shooting rampage?

I guess he was a little deranged.

When you hear Michael Jackson talk about his "perfect 10," make sure you hide your 10-year-old son.

Hear about the guy who dipped his nuts in glitter?

Pretty nuts!

Did you hear about the Syrian guy that shot a bunch of people? He was Robert Kurd.

When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.

When fat people sit down at a restaurant, you can hear the chair screaming.

Falco: Dreaming of a day when I don’t hear people say I’m a knockoff Fox, knockoff Fox.

Fox: Dreaming of a day when you die in a fire and I get all your aerial skills.

Falco: Wat...

Did you hear about the dyslexic American police officer?

He shot a Ginger.

Did you hear about the cat jail break out? It was a cat-tastrophe.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the “P” is silent.