Hearing

Hearing jokes

Diet

    • I hear scientists have been experimenting with a new diet at Cornell University: just straight meat for 7 hours a night, all night long, with a side of alcohol to keep the shop open.

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    • Farmer

    • I hear Cornell produces very dedicated farmers; they’ll plow a field all night long no matter how much resistance she gives ’em.

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    • Alphabet

    • What are the first four letters of the alphabet?

    Mum: (noticing the child's hair is too long) "You need a haircut."

    Brother: (winning a game on PlayStation) "Yes! Get in!"

    Uncle: (making plans) "We're gonna go and see The Bodyguard."

    Aunt: (singing a song from the show after overhearing the conversation) "I have nothing, nothing, nothing... if I don't have you."

    Next day...

    Student: I know the alphabet.

    Teacher: OK, go on.

    Student: "You need a haircut."

    Teacher: How dare you make comments like this! Do you want to go to the headteacher?

    Student: "Yes! Get in!"

    Teacher: What do you think you're going to be doing?

    Student: "We're gonna go and see The Bodyguard."

    *In headteacher's office*

    Headteacher: Now, I hear you were very rude to the literacy teacher earlier. What do you have to say for yourself?

    Student: "I have nothing, nothing, nothing... if I don't have you."

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    • News Story

    • When there's a news story of people who have died en masse, for example from explosions and fires.

    Other people are all "oh no that's terrible!"

    Pfft shut up, lying asshole. Trying to be "nice".

    I'm like "YAY EXCITING. I don't like being bored hearing 'good news' all of the time."

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    • Trump

    • Donald Trump is so smart he got to take a cognitive test 4 times.

    And if you think that's impressive, wait until you hear how many times he got to retake first grade.

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    • Santa Claus

    • Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.

    Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.

    So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.

    Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.

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    • 9/11 jokes

    • Did you hear about the tourist that came to New York? Good, because they were a terrorist... When they were asked why they were traveling, they just mispronounced it.

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