Heard jokes

"Déjà moo": The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I heard that my crush got kicked in the balls and when I thought of it...

I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

Some say Stephen Hawking was a genius, but I never heard him say anything intelligent.

One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.

Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

Chuck Norris once took down a fence. Maybe you heard of it, the Berlin Wall.

Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?

Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.

Did you hear about the dyslexic couple who were struggling to have sex? They kept doing the 96 positions.

I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.

I heard Pixar is releasing a new movie.

It’s called Finding Chemo.

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

...their new slogan?

The Quicker Pecker Upper.

What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.

I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.

May he rest in pizza.

REALLY CRAPPY JOKE ALERT!!! Oh Quin, how was eating that tight butt? Must be nasty. I heard you met from rear ending him.