New Heard Jokes

Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.

I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.

Women should be seen and not heard.

But how would you control that if she was screaming "NO!!!" in the bedroom?

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

I heard Danielle Smith likes trains.

So I told her to go stand in front of one.

"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...

... the first two being politics and religion.

Ever heard of the currency TNT?

All Arab economies are booming with so much TNT!

Roses are red, flowers naturally cannot be black.

I heard that your dad's in jail for selling crack!

When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”

"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”

“Where do you come from?"

"Rome."

“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"No, Rome, Italy, of course."

“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”

To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"

"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"No, Rome, Italy, of course."

"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”

Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"

"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"Rome, Italy."

"No, sorry, never heard of him.”

Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"

"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"He says Rome, Italy."

"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"

Y'all heard of Poptarts, eh?

Well why are there no Momtarts?

Because of the PASTRYarchy!

Unfortunately, NASCAR has been canceled.

The woke people heard that it was a human traffic ring.

Roses are red, flowers are pretty, I heard your mom has a nice pair of titties.

If Joe Biden was on stage and he heard gunshots, he probably would’ve thought it was the ice cream truck.

Do you think when the Secret Service heard the gunshot they were like, "Donald Duck"?

I heard P. Diddy got a job as a defensive coordinator.

He’s used to penetrating aggressively.

The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!