Heard jokes
Have you ever heard of horchata? Horchata, fuck up!
What do you call a not potty trained human?
Amber Heard.
Ever heard of the currency TNT?
All Arab economies are booming with so much TNT!
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's some weird number. You probably never heard of it.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
I heard helium won the lottery. Turns out, he lied.
You know what's REALLY "Ironic"?
Answer:
These REALLY ARE the "Worst Jokes" I've ever heard!
One night, a father heard his daughter saying good night.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good night, Dad."
"Good night, Mamah."
"Good bye, Papa."
The next day her papa died.
He heard her saying them a month later.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good night, Dad."
"Good bye, Mamah."
The next day her mamah died.
Well, her dad was scared for his life. He knew he was next. Well, his daughter said them again.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good bye, Dad."
The next day, the mail man dropped dead on their porch.
I left a chunk of ice outside during summer. That was the first time I heard icescream.
My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.
The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"
Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"
Why did the rapper bring a map to the recording studio?
Because he heard they were dropping TRACKS.
Ever heard of ligma? Ligma ba--
Hiii everyone, I heard from many people that they want to join the "stop orphan jokes" group. Who wants to?
So a mom went to her kid and said, "If you pray to God, He will give you your sight back." So he did exactly that.
The next morning, the mom heard a scream, so she went to the kid's room and asked, "What's wrong?" The kid replied, "It didn't work!" The mom said, "April Fools!"
I will always remember my dad's last words...
Oh wait, I've never heard them.
I heard a motivational quote saying faith can move mountains, but faith cannot move your receding hairline.
Déjà Vat: the feeling that you’ve heard that bad joke before.
Why were her hands purple?
She heard it through the grapevine.
Why did the rapper carry an UMBRELLA?
Because he heard there was a 50% chance of "Lil Wayne."
Your mama is so stupid that when she heard drinks were on the house, she grabbed a ladder.