Heard Jokes

Q: Why did frosty pull down his pants?

A: He heard the snowblower coming.

I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

Oxygen and potassium went on a date. I heard it was OK.

Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."

I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?

Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.

Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."

Gf: "I luv u too."

Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."

Gf: "Ah, about that..."

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

Have you heard about the pedophile who was found guilty of robbery?

- He robbed children of their innocence.

Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?

I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.

What do you call Amber Heard crying during the lawsuit?

A DEPPression.

(If you are a fan of either Johnny Depp or Amber Heard, you might get the joke).

Yo mama so stupid that, when she heard about cookies on the internet, she ate her computer.

Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.

Some say Stephen Hawking was a genius, but I never heard him say anything intelligent.