Heard jokes

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

Why were her hands purple?

She heard it through the grapevine.

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

...their new slogan?

The Quicker Pecker Upper.

Have y'all ever heard of dad jokes? Y'all hairline is funnier than those.

Why did the rapper bring a map to the recording studio?

Because he heard they were dropping TRACKS.

Roses are red, flowers are pretty, I heard your mom has a nice pair of titties.

I went into a CS:Go lobby and all I heard for ten minutes straight was, "Act like you're hard, but your dad beat you harder."

What's the difference between COVID and 9/11?

I've never heard of someone dying in a car accident, and the media blaming it on 9/11.

Hiii everyone, I heard from many people that they want to join the "stop orphan jokes" group. Who wants to?

Have you ever heard Stephen Hawking sing?

"Head, shoulders, wheels and frames, wheels and frames!"

Have you heard the joke about the sheep, drum, and snake?

"Baa" "dumm" "tsss"

When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”

"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”

“Where do you come from?"

"Rome."

“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"No, Rome, Italy, of course."

“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”

To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"

"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"No, Rome, Italy, of course."

"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”

Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"

"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"Rome, Italy."

"No, sorry, never heard of him.”

Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"

"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"He says Rome, Italy."

"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"

I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.

May he rest in pizza.

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!

So a mom went to her kid and said, "If you pray to God, He will give you your sight back." So he did exactly that.

The next morning, the mom heard a scream, so she went to the kid's room and asked, "What's wrong?" The kid replied, "It didn't work!" The mom said, "April Fools!"

Chuck Norris once took down a fence. Maybe you heard of it, the Berlin Wall.

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

One day my dog died because we couldn't find him. Then we got a cat on the same day. Then my cat went missing, and when I was crying, we heard our Asian neighbor was having a party. Then we went over and I saw my dog and cat on the grill, and they ate them in front of me, saying "yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well."

Have you ever heard of Jane Doe? Well, her husband's name is Dill, so I guess that makes him a dildo!

Teacher: Tell me a moral story.

Little Johnny: Once my grandfather was in WW2. He saw everyone praising to kill him. For example, we should sneak up and kill him. We get the helicopter above and shoot him from there. My grandfather heard this, he got his gun and shot them all.

Teacher: What is the moral even?

Little Johnny: Never plan to kill my grandfather.