Heard jokes

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

I heard that the Twin Towers have some plane DNA.

Ever heard of rape jokes?

No?

Well, I'll MAKE you hear 'em!

Have you heard of the new book about anti-gravity?

Well, I just can't seem to put it down.

Did you hear about the guy who made the knock-knock joke? I heard he got the Nobel Prize.

Have you heard of the Xbox game Sea of Thieves?

See if these nuts fit in your mouth.

There's this smart way to sneak a calculator into school. I've heard of it. You take the calculator, put it in a gun magazine, put the magazine in the gun, and bring the gun to school!

REALLY CRAPPY JOKE ALERT!!! Oh Quin, how was eating that tight butt? Must be nasty. I heard you met from rear ending him.

I heard guns kill people, so I gave up my right to own one.

Then I heard dicks rape people, so I chopped it off.

Have you heard of deez nuts?

You heard of Spider-Man: No Way Home. Now get ready for:

Orphan: No Way Home.

The woman became extremely uncomfortable with the man she had just met. While he lay beside her, romantically kissing and stroking her neck he whispered, “I called the number you gave me at the bar tonight. Someone named Alvin answered who has never heard of you.”

Papyrus: Sans! I heard that a HUMAN has fallen!

Sans: And you gotta bone to pick with 'em?

Little Johnny is walking in the hallway and goes in his brother's room and catches him watching something, so he asks, "What you watching?" His brother replies, "Nothing," and drops his phone. But then he gets a text from his teacher, who texted him a picture of her naked, saying, "After school come fuck me." So Johnny looks and says, "Ew, I'm telling Mom," and he ran with his brother's phone and showed his mom, and his mom said, "Ok, Johnny, I'll take care of you brother," and she told him to leave, and he did.

And his brother ran in his mom's room naked, and his mom said, "Oh, that's big. How about you do what your teacher told you to do to her, to me?" And a few hours later, Johnny heard weird noises coming from the room, so he walked in and saw them (his brother and mom) having sex, so he closed the door and walked away.

Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?

I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.

Have you ever heard of the stupid coyote? He got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of his legs, and was still stuck!

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

Yo yo Zac, have you Amber HEARD about the Johnny Depp case? ARRRRRRRRRRR!

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!